


Forgiven

by BuckayBarnes



Category: Only God Forgives (2013)
Genre: Eventual Relationships, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, kinda smut i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-16 13:25:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11253867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckayBarnes/pseuds/BuckayBarnes
Summary: How do you repair a damaged man?





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> AU of Only God Forgives where Julian learns to love and be loved.
> 
> I have no idea where this is going and I apologize for any typos and grammatical mistakes.

Julian is a peculiar man. He doesn’t like to talk. Instead, he observes. He took in everything around him. Nothing escaped his eyes. And yet, he seems… clueless. Maybe clueless isn’t the right word. Perhaps naïve. On the job, Julian knows exactly what needed to be done for the business. How to keep people in line, maximize profits, and all the while keep everything under the radar. But in relationships, whether it’s business partnership, friendship, or even personal relationships he seems far removed. He doesn’t express any kind of intimacy or emotion. At first, I thought he was merely shy or has a different way of showing his affection. But as time went on, I realized he doesn’t know how to. It was as if his emotional development was halted. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but it’s hard not to speculate. And this is not something you ask someone, no matter how long you’ve known them.

 

I started running for Julian 5 years ago. It wasn’t an easy job. But it paid well. Well-enough that I could retire today if I wanted to. But I keep making my way up the ranks. I went from running products in the streets to Bangkok to sitting in the boxing club commandeering other runners. Julian has always observed my spot from across the room. While, Billy, his brother, ogled. It was no secret that Billy had some… illegal interests. Never proven, of course, but in the end, he got what he deserved from Lt. Chang. Billy’s death brought solace to a lot of people including myself.

 

If it were possible, Julian has become even more withdrawn and wordless. He spend a lot of his time staring at the boxing statue guarding the entrance of the club. I don’t know if he’s contemplating vengeance or basking in relief. Billy was also a menace to Julian. I shouldn’t presume too much. They are family after all.

 

Julian stared again tonight. Through the cheering and betting crowds around the ring and through the flurry of fists being thrown in the ring, he stared. And every time I caught his gaze, he’d look down at his hands and fidget. It was always his hands. He always focused so much on them. I wonder if he felt guilty about Billy’s death. Everyone in this club right now has blood on their hands. Metaphorical or otherwise.

 

I was lost in thought when Julian sat down on the far end of my box seat. The creaking of the vinyl snapped me out of my thoughts. I greeted him and he nodded in response. In these 5 years, I think he has spoken no more than 20 complete sentences to me. And this is probably the closest he has gotten to me outside of business. He continued to sit in that same spot in the box seat for next couple of weeks. Always using a nod as a greeting and never actually interact with anyone. I contemplated on talking with him, to see what he wanted or needed. But I just let him stare instead. Now he doesn’t look away when we make eye contact. As I got up to leave the club, Julian stood up and blocked my way out. I looked up at him puzzlingly. He beckoned me to follow him.

 

He led me to out the alley and navigated us to an apartment building I presumed to be his. Julian stood in front the doorway for a long time before unlocking. He invited me to have a seat in the living room. The apartment was spacious, but sparse with furnishing. The neon lights from the street outside flooded the apartment in bright colors. Pink and blue lights streaked across Julian’s face as he came out with a bottle and two glasses. He sat closer to me this time. Wordlessly, he poured for the both of us.

 

“Julian, do you need something?” I finally asked.

 

Julian blinked and couple of times and rubbed his hands together. I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or just didn’t know what he wanted. I scooched closer to him.

 

“Listen, we’ve known each other for 5 years now. Whatever you need just tell me.” I implored further.

 

“I can’t- I don’t know how.” Julian stated, his eyes pleading.

 

“Is it something with the business?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Is it… are you trying to…” I struggled to get the words out. When a man invites you back to his place and pours you a drink, well, this scenario ends up either with us both naked or someone leaving. I hope it’s the former.

 

Julian stayed silent. He offered me no hints through his facial expression. But stared with a sense of longing in his eyes.

 

“Should I stay?” I asked.

Julian stood up and gestured for me to follow him. He opened a door in the hallway that revealed his bedroom. The room was immaculately put. The bed was made and everything was tidy. I felt a tinge of shame thinking about my own less than tidy apartment. Julian pulled the covers back and crawled in.

 

“Would you just hold me?” He asked.

 

I nodded and kicked my shoes and laid next to him. He kept his hands away from me. I didn’t ask any questions. Out of all things I’ve experienced in Bangkok, this was the strangest. Julian was tense under my touch. I kissed him lightly across his shoulder blades. He let out a sigh and seemed to relax a bit. I didn’t know when I fell asleep. But when I woke up, the sun was shining through the breaks in the curtains and Julian was propped up on his elbow, watching. I met his gaze then. For the first time, I really looked. There was so much sadness and regret behind his eyes. I sat up and brought his head into my lap. He made no protest. He curled up on my lap like a child. I stroked his hair until he fell asleep. This was far more intimate than anything I’ve encountered. It was as if I was staring into Julian’s soul. He seemed so vulnerable then. His masquerade of a ruthless criminal fell away. What was left was a man yearning for affection and intimacy.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to self-discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you have any suggestions!

I started sleeping at Julian’s after the last encounter. We never actually talked about it, at work or otherwise. There seemed to be a mutual understanding of the arrangement. After nightly boxing matches at the club, Julian and I would go back to his apartment and fall asleep together. It was the most platonic and innocent thing I’ve done with a man. And yet it was more intimate than anything else. I still can’t get more than a couple of words out of Julian but there was some progress.

On a particularly hot night, Julian shrugged out of his shirt and jeans and climbed into bed. I paused then. Unsure if I should follow suit or keep my clothes on. Seemingly reading my mind, Julian told me he was okay with whatever I chose. For the first time that night, we slept without any barrier between us. It was also one of those rare nights where he held me instead of the other way around. His hands, however, were still unwillingly to touch me. His rhythmic breathing and his rising chest lulled me to sleep almost instantly. The air was hot and humid, and our bodies were almost burning against each other. I didn’t mind that at all, instead I held on tighter, fearing the loss of my connection to him.

Just before sunrise, Julian woke me. I tried to blink away my weariness and muttered “good morning” against his chest. The room was cooler then and an involuntary chill ran through my body. Julian untangled himself from me and draped a blanket over me. I wrapped the thin cover around me and nuzzled back closer to him. Julian seemed surprised.

“What?” I looked up at him. “Should I not…”

“No, I just,” Julian blinked, “Do you enjoy this? This isn’t out of obligation, is it?”

“What? No, of course not. I look forward to this,” I gestured towards our intertwine bodies.

Julian nodded.

“Sorry I woke you up but I want to ask you a question.”

“Okay, anything.”

“Are you afraid of me?”

I furrowed my brows. I was unsure of how to answer that question. On one hand, he was my superior, there will always be a healthy bit of fear and respect in me, but other hand, we’ve been doing this… “Thing” for so long I haven’t saw him as the ruthless drug lord everyone thought he was.

I decided to tell him exactly what I was thinking.

“I have this thing,” he started, “anger thing, I guess, and I’ve done not-so-good things in the past and now, I’m sure you know this. But I’m trying to be better.”

“Okay, and you want to know if I’m doing this out of fear or if it’s voluntary.”

He nodded.

“Julian, you are a hardened man. I’d be blind if I don’t see that. But, I have also done some unsavory things. It’s why you hired me in the first place. And to be completely honest, I like this and I like you. Not out of employment obligations either. I care.”

“Can I touch you?”

I nodded and threw the blanket back. Julian shook his head and brought the covers up to my chin.

“My hands are a little dirty.”

“So are mine.” I laughed.

He smiled then. The first time I’ve ever seen his genuine, happy smile. He kept the blanket on top of me through.

His hands, for the first time, explored every curve of my body. I saw his erection grew under his boxer-briefs. And I can feel my own arousal growing. The fabric of my panties was getting quite wet just from watching him. Almost unconsciously, I moved my hand towards my sex to relieve some of the frustration. Julian’s eyes grew glassy as he watched. His hands made no move to relieve himself.

“Could- could I?” Julian croaked.

“Yes.”

His hand moved and took over the job. He watched my face as I moaned in wanton pleasure. I spread my legs further apart to grant to him more access.

“Julian, if you want, I can-, “I motioned towards him through shaky breaths.

Julian nodded quickly and shifted his position to let me touch him. Pre-cum had already soaked through a part of the fabric. I ran small circles on the head, pleased to hear his breath hitch and shudder. His hips started to buck against my touch, attempting to match the strokes. I moved my free hand to insert two fingers into myself. With Julian’s fingers on my clit and my own fingers inside, I came soon after. My back arched against his hand and a loud moan escaped my mouth. Weariness washed over me as I settled my body after the orgasm. My clit was still throbbing from Julian’s touch. I focused and quickened my pace on Julian’s cock. He leaned his head and his hands clawed the sheets. I saw his stomach tighten and soon after I saw his release. Sweat beaded across his body and his breathing slowly returned to normal.

He padded to the bathroom across the hall to clean up and change. I followed him after. I felt his eyes on me as I shredded my underwear and bra onto the bathroom floor. I walked into the shower stall and started washing. Julian leaned against the doorframe and watched me the whole time. I didn’t put on a show for him. I figured he just liked to observe. With my hair wrapped in towel, I borrowed one of his shirt and settled back to bed with him.

I didn’t wake up until late afternoon. Julian was still asleep next to me. I felt brave in that moment. I lifted my hand and grazed his stubbled cheek. My fingers traced from his jaw line to his neck and eventually down to his chest. Where I settled there and made small invisible patterns on his skin. His eyes fluttered open. His soulful blue eyes held my gaze. He allowed me to continue the movement for a while before reaching for his phone to call the club. I looked for my own then and called a couple of runners back with instructions and explanation for my absence. I wondered if anyone at the club was suspicious of Julian and me. No one would openly discuss it if they knew, but keeping things under the radar gave me comfort. 

Julian soon reappeared at the doorway. I never noticed how tall and imposing he was. The small door frame barely fit him as he walked in. I wondered about his life before becoming an expat and whether if Bangkok changed him into who he was today or some past life event.

“Are you hungry? I can go get some food.” Julian offered.

My stomach growled almost in response and I gave an embarrassed chuckle.

“I’ll come with you. It’ll be good to walk around after sleeping all day.”  
We ventured out to the night streets of Bangkok after putting our clothes on. Neon lights advertising everything from food to companions for the night shone above us excitedly. Street vendors shout from their little stalls to the passersby. Motorist weaved dangerously in and out of the crowds. It wasn’t long before we were both covered in sweat. That was the one thing I didn’t like about Bangkok; the heat and humidity didn’t agree with me. I missed home and the snow. We settled on eating at a serving pho. The aromatic soups tickled my nose and I was hungrier than I had anticipated. Julian and I didn’t say a word while we feasted on the giant bowls of noodles. We ordered some beers to cool us down after the food. The cool liquid felt heavenly as it went smoothly down my throat.  
We walked around the city for a bit afterwards. The night was cooling off and for once it was pleasant to stay out. Somewhere along out walk, I linked my arm with Julian’s. He looked down in surprise but quickly recovered and accepted the gesture. I wonder if he’ll ever let me touch his hands.


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closure.

I woke up feeling a small circling movement against my back. Confused, I rolled over the find Julian’s hand lingering over me. I gave him an amused smile and held out my hand. He took it in his own and we laced our fingers together. His thumb rubbed small circles on my hand. He seemed mesmerized by the movement. This was progress. Perhaps the greatest progress I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Julian pulled me against his chest and held me. For the past 6 months, I had been the one that held him close to me. I was the one that comforted him in my embrace during his nightmares. I had been the one that rubbed his back till he would fall into a fitful sleep. I felt many emotions arise in me then. I’m not sure I could explain any of them. I was in awe. Something so small meant the world to both Julian and I. He was better. He finally getting over whatever demon he had imprisoned within him.

Throughout the day at the club, I saw a smile on Julian’s lips. He was as giddy as a schoolboy that day. I think everyone there noticed it too. The air was lighter and everyone felt happier in general. Gone was the gloomy and oppressive attitude of the club. The neon lights didn’t feel cheap and insincere anymore. For once, the bright lights reflected our attitudes.

Julian came and sat with me again. This time, he sat close to me. Our leg was touching and he had one arm around me and the other one was intertwined with my hand.

“You wanna get out of here?” Julian asked jovially.

“Back to your place? You know I am,” I replied.

“No, no, I mean get out of Thailand.”

I was taken aback to say the least. We couldn’t possibly go back to the United States. Thailand was a place that accepted us despite our past. Thailand, as much as I missed home, brought us together.

“Are you sure? Why now? Did something happen?”

“No, I just thought you might want to go away with me. It’s okay if you don’t.” Julian shrugged.

“Oh it’s not that. I want to leave. Where would we go? What’s going to happen with the club? The business?”

“Wherever you want. I’ve made enough these past 10 years that we can get new identities and buy a fucking island if we wanted to.”

I laughed and leaned against Julian. I had always thought I would either die in Thailand or get dragged back to the States in chains. But traveling with Julian, that to be a seemed more preferable choice.

“Alright. Let’s go home and throw darts at a map. We’ll go wherever the darts of destiny tells us to.”

Julian practically jumped up and led me to his back office. He pulled out wads of cash and papers and stuffed them into two duffle bags. He called to have his car pulled around and drove back to his apartment. The plan was to deposit the money into his Cayman accounts and we leave tomorrow night. The look on Julian’s face when we played dart was content and vindicated. He laughed all night long and talked more than ever. Whatever past that was holding him had finally released its clutches on him. He regained his old-self and humanity. He had finally forgiven himself.


End file.
